Like a slap in the face.

So life sucks sometimes (as we all know).
But personally i have found that life has a funny way of kicking you while you're down. Or is that just me?
Anyway, i feel as if that is what 'Life' is doing to me right now.
Nothing seems to be going my way, i keep trying and trying, putting in as much as i can, but nothing is paying off. Everything is turning to shit.
now to some people my problems and worries my seem silly or unimportant. But the point is they are important to ME and that is what maters.  Some of the thing that have been bothering me lately are thing like college coursework, because i have been out of proper education for something like 2 years, so i kind of forgot how to learn and how to do basic things (something i did remember was the pain of writing for hours and hours, which seemed like it intensified since i was in high school. SO MUCH PAIN!). I have never been very good with learning if i am completely honest, but that might just be because i hated school and tried to get out of it as much as i could (and skipped if i could too), but looking back i wish i had payed more attention in school, tried harder, listened more, contributed more and just put myself out there. but i didn't and now i have regrets, lots of regrets. there where so many things i wanted to do or wanted to try, but i was just to shy, unconfident(?) and scared. I am not sure whether it was the fact that i was scared of simply failing, or failing in front of my peers. As i have told some of you, i have always been picked on and bullied (and not just in school or by people i know, i get it from complete strangers) and being bullied impacted my life greatly. It stopped me from from believing in myself, stopped me from making friends, which made me awkward and unable to socialize very well. But i think the worst part of bullying is when if comes from people you think are your friends. I have recently been thinking about something that happened to me in high school, because in college we where told that we would have to do a presentation to the rest of the class and talk for 10 minutes. This made me cry, cry in front of everyone. Firstly because to me it is something i cannot bare to think about doing, and secondly it reminded me of the last time i did a presentation. It was in a Media class, and i had been off sick for the duration of the planning stages and went back to school on the day of the presentation. Luckily it was a group thing so all i had to do was stand with my group since i didn't know anything about it. But half way through it, the teacher asks me why i am not contributing and was just (well it felt like it) harassing me. It caused me to start crying in front of everyone and i just ran out of the room. I cried for at least half an hour and didn't go back to the class until everyone had left. That caused me to cry even more in college for the most of lunch, on my own, in the bathroom, sobbing and shaking. I could barely keep myself together for the rest of the day because it all kept running through my mind and i would start to tear up again. What's worse is i have recently been rather depressed anyway. I mean i kinda always am, but its been quite bad recently. I can always tell when it gets too much for me, because i cry when i am on my own, i because very emotional and become angry at people a lot easier and quicker. I also harm myself when it gets too much. Which is not something i am proud of but i want to be honest. One of the things that made me harm for the first time which happened during my middle/high school years is i got Alopecia, which is where your body's immune system attacks your hair follicles, like it would a virus because it detects it as being foreign. It came back a few months ago and was getting better (really slowly) but a few weeks ago i found a new patch of hair had gone and it kinda pushed me to the edge. But what really felt like a slap in the face happened tonight. I t is something that i have known for quite a while now (like the last year) but i just kept making up excuses, rationalizing and pushing it to the back of my mind. That thing is my 'friends' (but not all of them). These people i call my friends (and i hope really are my friends) have for the last year been contacting me less and less to the point where i gave up trying anymore. I tried to think of what has changed so much that it meant our relationship had changed like that. And the only thing i can think of is i changed my preferred musical genre. I mean i had done it before but i didnt loose my friends, it brought us closer. And i know that was probably because it was what they listened to as well. But it is something i have been listening to for years but not really been that bothered over (but then i saw SHINee and there sexy lucifer outfits and dance routines and my god i was hooked). I went from American pop, to emo, to rock, to scene, back to rock, and then to K-pop, which quite frankly has given me the most joy and helped me connect with some really amazing awesome people. but my friends just disappeared. And let me know that the just didnt give a fuck about it at all, which i found quite harsh at times ( but i know i can just talk talk talk haha). And all of this really DID feel like a slap in the face because i looked at my friends facebook profiles and i saw that they weren't too busy to hang out, they where just too busy to hang out with me. They where having fun and going out and living life, while i sat at home alone in my own little world because it felt liek the rest of the world had left me. It feels like the rest of the world HAS left me. The friends i do actually talk to either live to far away, or want to hang out in the city and just ditch plans with me because i dont have money to go there, even when i suggest to meet up somewhere with them as long as i can walk there. But no, thats not good enough apparently. Because 'there's nothing to do around here' even though when we go to the city we dont do anything but walk around and talk and have a laugh. We go the same places in the city as well, i am just bored of it now and i am sick of being forgotten and ignored. But the thing is, i dont like to make too much of a fuss or get in anybodies way. And i have just made everything just so much harder for myself because i dont talk to anyone about this stuff, i dont like to. it hurts too much. And i feel like just one more little nudge and i am going to fall and not be able to get back up.
Well i think thats it for today, lots of stuff no one cares about or will read, and my eyes are stinging too much and my face is itchy now, stupid tears.